It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
