No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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