it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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