I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
