I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
