Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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