im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
