You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
