First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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