even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
