I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
