the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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