Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
