You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
