If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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