went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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