I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
