Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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