No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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