that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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