my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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