Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
where are my eyebrows?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
