I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
