The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
