I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
