I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
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Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.