I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
