I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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