i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
