my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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