So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
