Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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