please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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