I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
