I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
