i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
