I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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