So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
