she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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