my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
