God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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