Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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