What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
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I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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