i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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