She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
