Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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