Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
