He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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