My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
