There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
