im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
