just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
