I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
COCAINE IS GR8
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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