Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
