She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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