i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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