my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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