What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The uberlube is also flammable
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
