Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
why do cheetos always look like penises
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
