So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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